“Life is loving so hard you inspire and become inspired to be the next level of the person you never knew.” -Unknown
After Oli’s bath that night I gave Kekoa his bath. He was so happy that we were home and he was especially happy to have his baby home. I got the cutest pictures of him with Oli that night.
He was so amazed that this little doll was real. She wiggled and cried. She would grasp his chubby finger if he placed it in her hand. He just kept staring at her tiny hands and feet.
After I took some pictures we went into the bathroom and I started filling the tub with water. When it was ready Kekoa climbed in and began to play in the warm water. I was just staring at my perfect little boy.
My little boy.
I cried the day I took Kekoa home from the hospital. I had to go out to Target and I started sobbing in the passenger seat on the way there. Seth looked over at me like I was crazy.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know. I’m just so afraid for him. I’m afraid we’re going to get into a car accident and he’s going to get hurt. I’m afraid someone will want to look at him and accidentally sneeze on him and he will get sick.”
“I’m afraid someone will want to touch my new baby.”
“I just want to protect him from the world.” I sobbed.
I remember all those fears while I watch my son take his bath. I am overwhelmed again by my fierce instinct to protect him.
I want to protect him from this challenging and unfair life that now lays before him.
I want to protect him from the bullies at school that will tease him because his sister is different.
I don’t want him to ever see people staring at Oli. Watching his little face as he tries to comprehend why people are looking at his little baby and then turning away with pity on their faces.
Watching him try to understand the question that will inevitably come.
What is wrong with her?
I just love him so much and I want to give him everything.
I realize now, that I just wanted to give him everything that was easy.
Life is not always easy.
She gave me a new meaning to that phrase.
It no longer meant that life wasn’t easy because the money was a little tight that month. Or that it wasn’t easy because I might not be able to afford the new car I wanted or the bigger house with a bigger yard.
It used to mean that life was hard because I might not get what I want.
Now it was hard because I began to see how small and insignificant this all was.
It was hard because I now realized all that I had taken for granted and just thought I was entitled to.
It was hard because I really wanted my old life back.
I didn’t want to think about all of the challenges that now faced my family.
I wanted to remain where I was, even if it meant I would never grow.
I wanted my son’s life to be easy.
I could only look at him and cry. I just looked at him and repeated the 2 words that had become my mantra to my children.
I’m sorry.
I'm fine, but my mommy has issues! 