“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.” -John Greenleaf Whittier, Maud Muller- Pamphlet
I just knew. You hear that phrase a lot. Especially from mothers. “I just knew he was sick. I just knew that she was in trouble”… But that pretty much is what happened with my Oli. Months before she was born, I just knew. I knew there was something wrong with her. I was working in a neonatal intensive care unit as a nurse at the time so it was easy for people to blow me off. I would tell my friends my fear and they would say, “You’re just used to seeing unhealthy babies born. That’s why you think something is wrong.” I would nod my head in agreement but, deep down I just knew that something was wrong. It was only a few days after Oli’s birth that I would remember my recurrent dream. It’s weird because she is 5 years old now and I have never had that dream again.
I was 32 weeks pregnant when I started having premature contractions. A trip to the OB/Gyn would confirm the contractions and designate me to my bed for a few weeks. I am not the best patient in the world. My husband will attest to that fact. So after about 2 weeks I declared myself miraculously healed and headed back to work. And of course, the contractions immediately resumed. I remember sitting on my bed the day before she was born. Still having regular contractions, I called my fellow NICU friend and former labor and delivery nurse, Michelle for advice. I remember saying, “Michelle I think something is wrong with her. That’s why I keep going into labor early. Something is wrong.” She tried to reassure me that everything was fine, but I didn’t believe her. I just knew.
The contractions continued throughout the night and into the morning. I called my OB/Gyn again and told them I was still having regular contractions. A few hours later I was sitting in my doctors office being told that I was going to have my baby that day. I was dilated to 5cm and there was no going back. Excitement resumed it’s rightful place in front of all my other emotions. I temporarily forgot my fears and smiled the entire way to the hospital. She was going to be a little bit early at 35 weeks gestation. Having connections, I called up to the NICU to see if there was a neonatologist available to be there for her delivery. Just in case…
I would often reflect on that drive to the hospital. I would try to conjure up those feelings of excitement I felt as I waited to meet my new baby girl. I would close my eyes and remember the girl I was before 11:00pm on May 10, 2007. I was so naively happy and content. I would look at old pictures of myself and just cry, telling the girl in the picture “Enjoy that smile. It’s never going to look the same again.” Awful, I know. But I just could not get out of that deep dark hole. Sadness had been slammed into my heart and I thought I would never feel carefree or happy again.
I'm fine, but my mommy has issues! 
I know exactly what you mean. With my fourth child I was told he had down syndrome in my fifth month but it proved to be incorrect information so when I was pregnant with my fifth child we had no genetic testing done because I did not want to put myself through those fears again. At 6 wks along I had a threatened miscarriage and was put on bedrest for several weeks, she held on and contiued to grow but I always knew something was different. It was not until after her brith and diagnosis that my husband realized that I had known from the begining that I felt this fear all along. There is a reason we have a mother intuition.
Yes. Mother’s intuition has served me well over the last 7 years. I am learning to listen to it closely especially when it comes to Oli.